Sarah Elizabeth

stale_toast @ 2008-09-15T22:27:00

2008-09-16T02:28:31Z

Please someone save me. I don't have the strength to do it on my own anymore.

A Poem

2008-02-05T22:07:21Z

Winds of Destiny

A silent morning pales the sky;
I linger on the edge of the earth.
Serene breaths of salt fill my lungs
as air swirls in the light's rebirth.

The seagulls begin crying
with the joy of a new day.
I feel my spirit join the flight
as they glide across the bay.

An icy breeze brings a chill
and sends whispers down my spine,
whispers of the winds of destiny,
as vague as the incoming tide.

And though the haze blurs the horizon,
I will choose to stay outside
and wait for the fog to clear away
until the faintest light has died.

stale_toast @ 2008-01-01T11:59:00

2008-01-01T17:46:03Z

I've been writing in my journal a whole lot more lately. Nearly every day. I've written some pretty interesting entries. I usually write right before I go to sleep, which sometimes causes me to turn out my light entirely too late. And for the past two nights I've started thinking of something interesting after I've turned out my light, so I've sat back up and written some more. One of my entries was four pages long, which is pretty impressive for me. Some of it's been just about stuff I did that day, and some of it's been more interesting sort of stream-of-consciousness stuff, where I lose track of the time and next thing I know twenty minutes has gone by. I actually wrote stream-of-consciousness about stream-of-consciousness. That was pretty fun.

So, it's the New Year. I haven't made any resolutions (but I never have; the only resolutions I made when I was younger was to read a certain number of books that year (always an impossible number like 100)), but I've been thinking a lot about making changes or bringing a new energy into my life. Wes once said to me that a birthday is the perfect time to make a change because it is the ending and beginning point of a natural cycle. I think it's the same with a New Year. It's another cycle; the earth has just made another revolution around the sun. People feel it's the right time to make a change, and that's why they make resolutions. I've been thinking I should try meditation again tonight. Maybe it's the right time :)

stale_toast @ 2007-12-18T16:33:00

2007-12-18T22:05:49Z

So I've been without a computer for around three weeks now I think. I was devastated when it broke. The computer had been my main source of entertainment since I was like ten. It was my connection to the outside world. When it died, I felt completely cut off from everyone. At first I mourned the loss. I was so bored and spent my time ambling around the house wishing it would come back. But then I remembered how unhappy I'd been with spending so much time on the computer, and I embraced the change. I started with spending my free time either doing puzzles and watching TV. Then I began to read more. I began to write in my journal more and started to become more creative. Now I've added a guitar to entertain myself. Even if I got my computer back right now, I wouldn't go to it. The only useful purpose it has for me now is for homework. I feel almost liberated.

Will burnt me a disc of Bob Dylan songs. I expected there to be maybe twenty songs on it, but he put like sixty songs on the thing. This was my face when I saw it:

Mikiesays...

2007-12-07T17:16:08Z

Honestly, i'm getting so tired of having to deal with him and his gimp leg every day. I wish the damn dog would sneak into his bed and eat the piece of shit he calls a heart. If i had my way, i'd give that damn amazing dog a congressional medal of honor, maybe even the key to this shithole i live in.

On another note, Merry Christmas.

Human evil and selfishness

2007-11-03T03:44:30Z

I wrote this in response to some post on a message board I read occasionally:

I believe selfishness is a condition bred by our society. It occurs naturally in all animals, as part of instinct and natural selection, survival of the fittest. But natural selection does not exist in our society anymore. In the modern day and age, individuals feel alone and alienated by the constant stream of information by the media, which disguises itself as a link to community and comfort. But in reality, we have sort of set up an "every man for himself" society, and who wouldn't be selfish in that situation?

People's ill-intentions often come from fear, which comes from a lack of understanding. People fear what they do not understand. What we should do is teach people what they do not understand, but this takes understanding in itself, and compassion. Since the individual is generally alienated from a sense of community, there's no motivation to help thy neighbor.

Faith also plays an important role. As an example, you apparently have a lack of faith that humans are good, so that could result in you not bothering to understand why someone is acting in a horrible manner, instead just writing them off as "inherently evil". But once you understand why someone seems ill-intentioned, once you discover what they're really afraid of, it's easier to see the good in them.

Another example, religion. People of different religions often fight each other because they cannot understand how one can believe a different religion than them. But if someone just had faith than a different religion was good, even if they didn't understand it, they wouldn't have to fear it or fight against it.

stale_toast @ 2007-10-29T17:45:00

2007-10-29T21:47:58Z

I don't think for myself.

It's a depressing realization.

stale_toast @ 2007-10-16T17:54:00

2007-10-17T01:05:15Z

I'm not sure what happened. Two days ago I was feeling so great and everything was dandy, and now I feel empty, I'm not alive, I want to sever ties with everyone and go far away. Sometimes I wonder if I do this to myself on purpose. If I enjoy feeling miserable. Maybe I'm just tired. I hope that's all it is.

stale_toast @ 2007-10-15T16:29:00

2007-10-15T21:36:24Z

What a bad day. I ended up taking a sleeping pill last night to get to sleep, and I guess because of it I was out of it all day. And then I got, I don't know, depressed I guess because I was out of it. I just started thinking about like how I think I'm a boring person to other people, and like how easy it is for other people to carry on a conversation, why is it so difficult for me? Stuff like that. I started feeling lonely, and we went to lunch and I couldn't make myself focus on what they were talking about. Mikie flipped me off, which irritated me, so I was depressed and irritated. In physics I started thinking about my future and how sometimes I really don't think I have what it takes to be an astronomer, but if I don't do that, then what will I do, and how I don't want to be like my mom and end up with some crap job because I wasn't sure what I wanted to do with my life. By the middle of physics I was on the verge of tears, I just kind of got overwhelmed by my thoughts, you know? It kind of sucked because I've been feeling soo good the past couple weeks. But then I started understanding what to do for our physics practice problems, which made me feel a little better about myself. And after school Mikie called to see if I was okay, and that cheered me up a lot. I actually think about it sometimes, like if I'm feeling down at school, how would anybody notice since I'm so quiet anyway? So I kind of really appreciated his call, and I hope I conveyed that to him.

Maybe subconsciously I'm just feeling stressed, and my lack of sleep just brought it all out today. I'm still not feeling quite right, but I'm sure I'll be over it by tomorrow.

Love this quote!

2007-09-19T20:04:24Z

"If it is sayable, it is within the range of the word.
If it is unsayable, it is outside the steady grasp of mind.
The real is where the sayable and unsayable meet.
What the real truly is, is altogether beyond comprehension."

-From Sri Gur Granth Sahib, the holy text of the Sikhs

stale_toast @ 2007-09-16T00:18:00

2007-09-16T04:27:18Z

"You can only be free when you lose your identity."

stale_toast @ 2007-09-14T23:49:00

2007-09-15T04:38:27Z

I'm sitting here listening to a steady rain that's been falling all evening, and I thought I'd do another freewrite. "I Want You to Want Me" by Cheap Trick is on repeat. The chorus is so simple but I love it:

I want you to want me.
I need you to need me.
I'd love you to love me.
I'm begging you to beg me.

I especially love the part where he repeats "I want you to want me" over and over.I feel like I need to be needed right now. But what else is new? I love that feeling when someone shares their feelings about something with you. It'd been a long time since I've really experienced that, I'd forgotten what it's like. Like Charles and I were talking the other night and we were talking about marijuana and he told me his reason why he's against it, using a personal experience. He is one person I'm starting to get to know more, which is good. Charles is the type of person who will notice if something is wrong and ask you about it. Today I hadn't finished my project for history even though I stayed up until 1:00 working on it, and even got up early to do it. I was so tired, and when I'm tired I get emotional. So in English class as hard as I try to resist it, I start crying. And Charles...actually seemed to care, which was nice. He talked to me about it, and at the end of class he asked if I was okay. I can't remember the last time someone asked if I was okay. With some people, they don't confide in me about anything, which makes it extremely difficult for me to feel like I can confide in them, and so it kind of puts of a barrier that prevents me from feeling close to them. I don't feel that with Chalres. It's so good to have a friend like that. I think the last time I felt that sort of vibe from someone was with Wes. Actually Charles reminds me a lot of Wes, just in the way he expresses his thoughts.

I'm too tired to even have anything else running through my head now, so I'm going to leave with this quote:

"Recognize that the very molecules that make up your body, the atoms that construct the molecules are traceable to the crucibles that were once the centers of high-mass stars that exploded their chemically enriched guts into the galaxy, enriching pristine gas clouds with the chemistry of life, so that we are all connected, to each other, biologically, to the earth, chemically, and to the rest of the universe, atomically. That's kinda cool. That makes me smile. And I actually feel quite large at the end of that. It's not that we're better than the universe, we're part of the universe. We're in the universe and the universe is in us."

Even though I take that one step further and say we're all connected spiritually or subconsciously or whatever you want to call it, "The Mind", that quote basically expresses everything I believe. Actually though, I've been thinking a lot about consciousness or souls or whatever. Like if there was a big bang that created everything, did that also "create" souls? Though if souls are just consciousness like I sort of believe, then it just came about when sentient life did. But there's still the question of that eternal energy that makes The Mind. Where did that energy come from? Did it exist in the bubbling particle that was the universe billions of years ago before the big bang? Just always existing? It's hard for me to concieve there being nothing before the big bang, except this particle just floating in the nothingness. Maybe the multiverse theory is true, this universe is expanding inside another universe inside another universe etc. But it's just as difficult for me to comprehend eternity like that. Maybe there are other worlds in other dimensions. I mean I think I read many scientists accept the reality of 10 dimensions. That leaves open so many endless possibilities.

Okay, I'm too tired to be thinking about this at 12:30. Bed.

I wish I had written this.

2007-09-14T01:47:24Z

VIEWPOINT
Stephan Harding

"Modern humans have lost a vital connection to "animate Earth", says ecologist Stephan Harding in this week's Green Room. Re-connecting with the natural world and the true place of humans in the cosmos is the best route, he argues, to sustainable societies and economies.

We are wiping out so many species that biologists speak of a mass extinction more fatal than any other in our Earth's history

There is now little doubt that our culture is unleashing a vast and accelerating crisis upon the world.

We have set in train changes to our climate that seem certain to become very dangerous indeed during the next 50 years or so.

We are wiping out so many species that biologists speak of a mass extinction faster and possibly more fatal than any other in our Earth's long history.

Our social fabric is also unravelling, and as it does so crime and massive psychological problems increase apace.

As the Earth gears up to pay us back for waging our unwitting war against her, it is critically important that we discover what has made our culture so uniquely destructive.

Some believe that our inherently "sinful" human nature is to blame, that any culture with our technological might and prowess would have done the same thing; but I subscribe to a different understanding.

I believe that we are suffering from a world view so dangerously pathological that it is leading our civilisation to the brink of suicide.

The fatal flaw is this: that for us, the entire cosmos, including the Earth and all her living beings, her rocks and air and atmosphere is no more than a dead machine that we are free to exploit without limit in the furtherance of our own interests.

This notion of a mechanistic universe comes in part from the great thinkers of scientific revolution of the 16th and 17th Centuries, from men such as Descartes, Bacon and Galileo.

There is no doubt that their creation, modern science, is a brilliant and fabulously powerful intellectual achievement that has given us many significant benefits; but it has also deluded us into believing that only pure analytical reasoning can give us reliable knowledge about the world.

No wonder then that we have ended up in a "dead" cosmos, for science has taught us to be deeply suspicious of our sensual, intuitive and ethical sensibilities.

I believe that we must quickly develop an expanded science that recognises the validity of all four ways of knowing in equal measure if we are to avert the looming disaster.

When we do this, we enter the ambit of a different, more wholesome perspective in which our spontaneous, sensual experiences of the world, our deepest intuitions, our sense of what is right, and our reasoning work together to inform us, in the words of "geologian" Father Thomas Berry, that the world is a communion of subjects rather than a collection of objects.

This is no new idea. Plato spoke of the anima mundi, the soul of the world, and many of the great philosophers, including Spinoza, Leibniz, and more recently AN Whitehead, considered matter itself to be sentient in its deepest roots.

Could it be that anima mundi, banished from our consciousness for 400 years, now cries out to be heard in this time of deep crisis?

Within science, she manifests in quantum theory, systems thinking, complexity theory, and, more concretely, in James Lovelock's Gaia theory.

Here we learn that far from being a dead machine, the Earth is more like a living organism in which the tightly coupled interactions between the sum of all life and the rocks, atmosphere and oceans give rise to the stunning emergent ability of the Earth as a whole to maintain habitable conditions on her ancient crumpled surface despite an ever brightening Sun and the vagaries of tectonic events.

When approached simultaneously through our four ways of knowing, Gaia theory teaches us that we live symbiotically within a vast evolving sentient creature of planetary proportions - that we are just plain members of the Gaia community, not its masters or stewards.

What would society look like if we lived according to this more animistic understanding?

We would recognise that other species, and indeed the Earth herself, have intrinsic value irrespective of their value to us.

We would deeply question our mainstream economic model, for the great wild sentient personality of our planet calls out to us to reject the endless and ever-increasing plundering of her material substrate.

Instead we would develop a "steady state" economy in which the things that grow are love, spirituality, creativity, depth of community, simple living, and the healing of the Earth, but in which our use of her "resources" is kept at levels that she can cope with.

We will never know enough about the complex dynamics of our planet to justify a solid pessimism about the future. Fear is a good motivator, but love is best of all.

So the most important task for us all now is to re-discover our sense of belonging to our animate Earth. Only then will we feel our sense of self expanding outwards to embrace the vast more-than human-world that enfolds us.

Just try it. Spend time outdoors - gazing at the sea, or laying on the ground and feeling the great spherical body of our turning world at your back as she dangles you over the infinite expanse of the cosmos.

I guarantee that you'll find an unexpected wealth of happiness and connection in that simple act. Only then will you encounter the most durable motivation for engaging in genuinely sustainable actions."

sigh.

2007-09-09T04:19:58Z

I need to start going to bed earlier, because everytime I stay up late I start thinking about this and questioning and hoping, and then I get honest with myself and realize the truth and it makes me horribly depressed.

stale_toast @ 2007-09-06T16:08:00

2007-09-06T21:01:54Z

Well today in English, Mr. Rhulman was talking about freewriting and how it's good practice for writing assignments. I've never really seriously tried freewriting before. I mean, I've done it for journal assignments in English, but I didn't really write what I was thinking about because I knew the teacher would be reading it, and what goes on in my head is not something I would want a teacher to know about. So I'm just going to write and write and not stop for a while. But I know that I would just write about my depression and my need for love right now and getting out of here ASAP because that's all I ever even think about any more. Even when I try to think about something else it just strays back to that. And I've written about this stuff a million times so what's even the point? It's the same stuff I've been writing about for, oh I don't know, four years now. I guess just getting it out helps. It's like it all builds up during the day and when I get home I write about it and flush it out to be fine the next day. When I say that, I imagine a like a toilet handle on my head being flushed. I was kind of thinking before I started writing this, that my thoughts throughout the day are almost like I'm writing in a blog. I don't know if anyone else thinks like that. Like I narrarate my thoughts in first person, like I'm talking to someone else. Like like like. I remember this one time in seventh grade, my best friend at the time and I decided to fill a sheet of paper with a bunch of words, just the first words that came to our minds. They were really funny to read outloud. But a lot was funny to us then. You know I just realized that I don't even miss having a best friend anymore. I guess it's not something I really care about right now. I really just care about finding someone to be close to and to exchange care and love and ideas and beliefs and laughs with. I want to feel like someone cares about me. Romantic love just fills something that friendly love can't. I don't have much need for friendly love right now. And I want someone I feel like I can confide in. I mean, there's Joe, and I appreciate how much he listens to my babbling, but not actually being able to see him kind of detracts from the whole experience of confiding in someone. I really want someone tangible to talk to. But I just don't feel like I can confide in anyone. But really, right at this moment I don't care about much at all. I'm not feeling much emotion. But I am pretty tired. I got myself so worked up about Pre-Cal last night that it took me a while to stop sobbing and sniffling and actually fall asleep. I really actually find it amusing that I can think all day long about everything that's depressing me and not shed a tear, but something like not understanding math or a spider in my bed can make me break down. I'm probably so used to it that nothing comes out until something new upsets me. I haven't been going outside very much lately. And it's because of the silliest reason too - because of all the bugs outside. Even in the beginning of summer, I never cared nor even noticed any bugs, I went outside anyway. But now I'm so conscious of anything moving in the yard, especially these small jumping spiders, it creeps me out to be out there. I wish it didn't. I need to work on really realizing that nothing's going to hurt me out there. 'Being one with the insects,' hahaha. But I've actually been feeling alright since yesterday. I'm glad that my little bout of depression on Tuesday didn't last long. Oh, I went to Galaxy Diner with my mom last Saturday, and I noticed around the outside they had painted the Eagle Nebula! That was the coolest thing to me, especially because it's one of my favorite nebulae. It was a really spot-on painting too. It really made my day to see it on there.

Well my dad just got home and interrupted my flow. But I'd say that was a pretty good freewrite :)

stale_toast @ 2007-09-05T17:37:00

2007-09-05T22:07:33Z

I feel better today. I really enjoy odd days. Photography is okay, I'm the only Photo II student in a group of Photo I people. Being a student aide was great, Charles, Ben, and I were all in a room in the back of the guidance office together, and we did almost nothing but talk the entire time. It was fun. Physics was alright too, Jamie sits right behind me so at least it's someone to talk to. I was worried when she put us in alphabetical order that I wouldn't be around anyone I like, but it turned out alright.

Well I decided not to talk to either of my parents about anything pertaining to my childhood or their personalities or the divorce or anything, because everytime I do I feel like I'm being tugged one way or another. Whatever made me this way doesn't matter anymore. It happened and this is me and this is what I have to deal with. It's on me now to change it if I can.

stale_toast @ 2007-08-30T13:04:00

2007-08-30T17:36:46Z

Well I'm sitting here waiting for a phone call from an aqcuaintence of mine, Cori, who is the big sister of one of the girls in my 4-H club. Since I don't work today, and since Cori has a half-day of work, she, her sister Monica, and I are planning on going to Ben Franklin's to purchase some supplies to decorate our horse's stalls at the state 4-H horse show in September. We actually have a theme this year, "The Road to States", so we're going to kind of put a cloth road across the stalls or something, with photos of us and our horses along the way. Should be cute. They're thinking we should probably have about six photos of each of us. I have two of Dottie and I. I'll have to get my dad to do some serious picture taking when I go to the barn for lessons.

This is the last year I'll be able to go to the state show. The cut off age to be a member of 4-H is actually nineteen, which means I should have two years left, but since I'm probably going out-of-state for college, I won't be able to continue that. It made my trainer a little disappointed, because since I'm the oldest rider there, she kind of wanted me to be a leader of sorts of our dressage team. It would've been kind of cool I guess, but I'm not staying here for that. It's actually just Monica and I riding at States this year. We have a couple grooms going with us, including Cori, but it should be a pretty small group. What we're all most excited for is having a hotel room above Aunt Sarah's Pancake House. No more Waffle House breakfasts for us! Although we usually get up too early (think 4:30 each morning) to really feel like eating breakfast right then. I'm so hoping though that this year our ride times will be later in the morning or in the afternoon so we won't have to get up before the sun rises. Although it is always beautiful to watch the sun rise in the mountains. That's the main reason I love going out there to Lexington. It's gorgeous in the mountains.

I'm hoping that when/if I go to Asheville, I'll be able to find a place to keep riding horses. Hopefully a place that centers on dressage, since that's what I'm trained in. But dressage barns tend to be really stuck up, so I kind of just want to find a place similar to the place I ride now. I know if all else fails I'll at least be able to find places that offer group trail rides. Speaking of Asheville, I think I have a plan now. I'll be able to go there, major in Physics and minor in Astronomy, and then get a job and get my Astronomy master's and PhD. I don't think I'll have to start over and get my bachelor's in Astronomy, which will save me a bit of money.

Actually Cori just called, so I'm off.

Thinking of tattoos

2007-08-24T22:38:49Z

Yeah so I'm thinking of getting two tattoos when I turn 18, one on the inside of each wrist. On the left wrist I'd get this little guy:

Minus the "Stay Human" bit. It's the Stay Human symbol from Michael Franti, and I think it will remind me to always stay human and not conform to a corporate life, to always follow my heart, to not be an ant, to express myself and my emotions, etc. On the other wrist would just be a peace symbol, though I'm not sure how I want that designed yet. I don't want it to be just a plain black symbol.

I know getting them on the inside of my wrist would hurt more than less sensitive areas, but it'd be less noticable there yet I wouldn't have to pull up any clothing to show it off, and also the wrists are one of the parts of the body that becomes the least saggy as you age.

My dad is completely against this. He said if I go try to get a job at an observatory or weather station, I won't get hired. But I figure, if they don't hire me because of that, then I probably really wouldn't want to work there anyway. When I mentioned that a guy at work has one on his arm and still got hired, he didn't have a response. He just made snarky comments like, "Why don't you just get a huge one right on your forehead?"

My mom on the other hand doesn't think it'll cause me any problems. They aren't very noticable and she thinks it's a cool idea. She likes my reasoning for getting them and where I'm getting them.

I just had a chat with my dad and he says he thinks me getting a tattoo would be lowering myself to lower-class standards. I don't really give a crap about social classes. We're lower-middle class right now and we're not any worse people than upper-class people. He said, "Yeah, but lower-middle class isn't what you want to strive for in your life." I told him I'm not going to go for some high-end corporate job just to be in a higher class if I'm not happy there. If I'm in lower class and happy, that's really perfectly fine with me. I don't think he understands that money really doesn't mean much to me. I can live without things, like a computer for instance. I'll just go to the library and use theirs - no big deal.

Anyway, yes, that's what I want to do. I just don't really know how to find a nice tattoo parlor instead of some skanky one. And I don't really know anyone who can help me out.

I also just decided that it'd be cool to get the infinity symbol some where, but I'm not sure where I'd want that. Probably here:

Though that's much more noticable than the wrist ones. It's small though, so maybe it won't matter? I'll talk with my mom about it. I actually really like the tattoo that guy has too. I kind of want to get something that would relate to pantheism, and I'm not creative enough to design my own. You know, something that would show the connection between nature, the universe, and humans. That tattoo looks related to nature however, so it would probably work. Maybe I could shift the leaves down to look like legs, haha. I don't know. Maybe I would get that on my right wrist instead of the peace symbol. Cause I mean, I can always wear shirts with peace symbols on them and stuff. I wonder if I could get someone who knows about pantheism to design a pantheist tattoo for me. Maybe a tree with a heart in it. Would that work?

I wonder why I'm obsessing about tattoos all of a sudden.

stale_toast @ 2007-08-23T07:54:00

2007-08-23T13:05:11Z

I've given up on Northland. I guess I've really just realized it's basically impossible to visit there, plus right on Lake Superior, all that snow. I probably would go mad. Instead I'm looking at UNCA - Univerisity of North Carolina at Asheville.

It's another pretty small liberal arts college, about 3,400 students. I know Asheville is a more hippie-ish town, which is one of its attractions. Asheville is actually where Wes is going to school, only his college is smaller. They have nice weather in the fall and spring, and also a decent amount of snow in winter. However, I'd only be able to go there if I decide to get my Bachelors in meteorology, get a job, and then pay my way through night school to get my astronomy PhD.

Then, I have to think, do I really want to spend 10+ years in school? I need to find a good astronomer to talk to, make sure astronomy is worth it. Maybe once I join Richmond's astronomy society I'll find out more. In the mean time, I'm visiting and applying to every school.

I mean, I feel very attracted to Asheville. And they have some astronomy things there with their physics program, like radio telescopes, and they work with an astronomical institute that's nearby. So maybe I could minor in physics.

And there's still a part of me that wants to work on an organic farm or something. That would be fun. Still afraid to take that jump, though.

http://myspace.com/jacoboften

stale_toast @ 2007-08-21T21:01:00

2007-08-22T01:17:13Z

I tried to talk to my mom today about my uncertainty with college and my life. She wasn't much help. I don't think she gets it. I tried to tell her that the reason I want to visit Northland so bad is because I don't even know if I want to do astronomy anymore, and when she asked why, I said because I'm afriad that I'll end up feeling just as suffocated as I do now. And then she said, "Oh...so you mean you want to do meteorology then?"

I told her maybe I just want to travel around and work odd jobs, maybe I don't need a steady job to be happy. And she said, "Well what if you find a place you really like, and you like the things to do there?" I told her I don't KNOW if that's possible, I really feel that I have to move around a lot to be happy. She said the same thing again, and I told her eventually being in the same place and doing the same things all the time gets BORING. She said, "Well you know with a job you'll get vacation time," and I said, "But that's not enough!" So then she resorted to her standard, "Well, Sarah, that's the real world!" You know what, fuck the 'real world'. If that's the real world, then I don't want any part of it. I don't want to settle for that. I'd rather die than settle for that. Maybe she's happy with settling...I'm not.

The point was that I don't KNOW what any of this will be like. I don't KNOW what kind of career astronomy is. I don't KNOW if I want to be in school for 8+ years. I don't KNOW if working odd jobs is for me. I JUST DON'T FREAKING KNOW! And I need to TALK to people and VISIT places to figure it out! But I don't even have anyone to talk to about it. No one can/will talk to me, no one can give me any kind of decent advice, no one seems to be able to tell me ANYTHING. And neither of my parents can even afford for me to visit Northland. I can, I have enough money, but when I mentioned that, both of them said, "Is that really what you want to blow all your money on?" No, it's not, but it's not my fault that my mom goes and blows her money on concerts all up and down the east coast. It's not what I want to spend the money I'm saving for college on, but I will if I have to.

It's so hard to hold myself together. Death is seeming more like sweet relief every day.

"It's hard to remember we're alive for the first time
It's hard to remember we're alive for the last time.
It's hard to remember to live before you die.
It's hard to remember our lives are such a short time.
It's hard to remember when it takes such a long time."

stale_toast @ 2007-08-19T20:50:00

2007-08-20T01:33:42Z

I'm officially counting down the days until I can quit my job. Six more to go. I originally was only going to take off Friday the 31st off, and have my last day be that Thursday, but I decided to give myself an extra day to recoup. Well, actually to go shopping. I was going to use those days to meditate and prepare myself for the coming school year, but my mom offered to take me school shopping, which I'm all for. I can always use Monday to meditate.

Meditation is just as hard as I thought it would be. It's a challenge to focus on my breathing rather than on other thoughts. It's especially difficult when you havve a song stuck in your head, like I did yesterday. And I always get distracted to go do something else. I just have to keep reminding myself, 'Honestly, what else better do you have to do? Get on the computer?' I really just want to throw my computer at the wall. The only reason I'm keeping it is because I still like using it to research stuff. And plus it's not mine to throw out.

I mean, if I hadn't had the computer, I wouldn't have found pantheism, the religion that fits most closely with my beliefs. It's just nice to know that my beliefs have a name. Well on the website I was reading about pantheism on, they were talking about how you can choose to be buried in an all natural plain wooden coffin with no embalming, and get a tree planted as a grave marker instead of a grave stone. I would like that for my burial. Seriously, don't put chemicals in my body and put me in a coffin in a vault, doing everything possible to preserve my body. Just lay me in the ground and let me rot. I want to make good fertilizer one day :)

stale_toast @ 2007-08-13T22:18:00

2007-08-14T02:34:56Z

"Darlin' lets let our hair grow long,
we can work on a farm, maybe live on a mountain."

I'd love this. I have no idea what I want to do with my life anymore. Yeah, astronomy is cool. I like looking at the sky. It's fun to experiment with my telescope. But everytime I try to read about the physics of it, I almost fall asleep. Maybe this is not the right career choice for me. Maybe I don't even want a career. I want to visit Northland, though my mom has done everything in her power to force me to change my mind. But what is the point of going to WestConn if I may not even use my astronomy major? If I did something like those lyrics instead, I could actually go to a college I'd probably enjoy more, like Northland. This year, with me taking physics, is really going to determine whether I want to pursue astronomy or not. But if I don't, then it's too late. I'll have visited and applied to schools by then.

I know I'm very afraid to give up this goal of becoming an astronomer. I'm afraid to take a chance and to just throw everything away to go live on a mountain or something. So through my fear, I'm being ushered into this world of careers and structure and a workforce, and I may not even want it.

I really would like to know the secret to happiness and peace.

Feeling a little angsty

2007-08-11T01:18:52Z

I've been in the same restless mood for the past couple weeks, and haven't really written any interesting journal entries, so I'll type one out I wrote after work one night. It was quite interesting what came out of a nothing beginning.

7-31-07
Start: 9:28 PM
End: 9:43 PM

Hmm, I don't really have anything on my mind right now since I'm very tired, but I'll see if this goes anywhere. I got to sleep in for an extra half hour this morning, and I will tomorrow morning too. Mom's on vacation so Dad has to take me to work.

Ugh, I give up. See this is what work does to me. This is why I hate it so much. I can't think when I get home, I'm just an unemotional blob. Just here, not thinking or feeling. That is not what being human is all about! We're not made to be slaves to money and corporations and governments. We're not meant to get less and less sleep every night so that we exist only as unfeeling robots, if you can even call that existing. That's just surviving. We're meant to experience life to the fullest and every emotion that comes along with it! Even depression is better than no emotion at all! I'd prefer crying my brains out to this! Right now I'm being inspired by ANGER and FRUSTRATION, and I LOVE it! Emotion inspires creativity, and that's why we're here in the first place! To express the natural creativity that's inside us ALL! THAT'S what matters! Creativity and the dynamic human spirit that channels it into something tangible! That's beautiful! That's something that no other animal has the ability to do! That's what we should be pursuing and focusing on and LIVING FOR! Not making money and working jobs that tire us out too much to think! I feel that's what the powers that be want. Keep this nice anthill running smoothly...I don't want to work more and more for money just to survive in this society! I want to let my spirit FREE!

It's very important that I find a balance between corporate slavery and money and creativity and spirituality in the future. I hope I do. I'll never survive otherwise.

Samara is out to get me

2007-08-03T12:54:53Z

I had the worst freak-out this morning. Well, not the worst I've ever had, but it was still bad. I was in the shower and I started thinking about Samara from The Ring. I knew I was about to let my imagination get away with me again, so I tried my hardest to block the thoughts out but I couldn't. That's the funny thing about these little freak-outs I get, I always know they're happening, but I can't stop them. So anyway, I convinced myself she was waiting for me in my bedroom, and it was just like in those cheesy horror movies when the main character is breathing hard and loud - that's what I was doing, although a little less dramatic. I was terrified. I kept peering out of the bathroom and down the hallway to make sure she wasn't coming for me. I also somehow believed that this patch of black ink that was left on my finger from work yesterday was like a 'mark' that she gave me to let me know I was next to die. And at the same time I'm going through all this, I know that I'd just lost control of my imagination and it wasn't real. Once I got out of that house and was rolling down the driveway to meet my mom, I was fine, the events of this morning already like a distant memory.

I am crazy.

11:05 PM
SLDKFJSDLKFJ!!! I freaking just found out who DOESN'T die in the last Harry Potter book. I didn't even know it was coming! I just read a bulletin on myspace with the subject ':D'. How am I supposed to avoid THAT?! And why on EARTH would someone put it in a MySpace bulletin where everyfreakingone can read it?! At least give some warning! GAAHHH!

stale_toast @ 2007-08-01T17:55:00

2007-08-01T22:50:44Z

7-29-07
Start: 10:44 PM
End: 11:55 PM

Today was my first experience with driving in heavy rain. It was terrifying because the lane I was in had a lot of water on it, so it kept splashing up on my windshield and I couldn't see. It was also maddening because I had to drive slowly and needed to use the bathroom really badly.

I want to try meditation soon. Maybe tonight. It's always very difficult to block out all my thoughts, but I'm sure with practice I'll get it. I'll look up on some websites to learn a meditation technique that works best for me. I'm obviously not going to be able to get what I want to help me with creativity and help improve my social skills, so I need an alternative. Hopefully meditation will help me find a way.

I know what kind of culture I want to be a part of, I just have to figure out how to get there. That's why I'm so psyched about leaving King William. Even just getting a job at Barnes & Noble or something would be a great experience for me.

I know I have to travel somewhere as soon as I can. Maybe with Joe if we ever get together. There's no one here that would go with me, or no one that I would want to go with me would go.

Ahh, we'll see what happens.